All of your needs.

I’m not sure what kind of music I was expecting to hear while on hold with our body armor supplier, but it was not this. After speaking to a very polite receptionist, I was treated to the soothing sounds of classical music while a woman’s recorded voice assured me that “______ Armor is the number one choice for all of your armor needs. _____ Armor: Protecting the lives of those who protect us.”
I had spent the past several hours learning more about the ‘projectile defeating capabilities’ of various types of body armor than I ever thought I would know. Having grown up with a fairly steady diet of GI Joe cartoons meant that these kinds of things fascinated me, but at some point the technical differences between 7.92 x 57 mm mild steel core ammunition vs. 7.62 x 39mm armor piercing incendiary type 56 where lost on me. I was just trying to purchase some body armor for one of our advisors in Afghanistan and it was becoming exceedingly complicated. Maybe this is why they call it procurement instead of what I used to call this process, ‘buyin’ stuff.’
Part of the complication was that our advisor in Afghanistan needed custom fitted gear. Most body armor is designed for soldiers and police officers; people who tend to be pretty big. Our man in Afghanistan was not so big. In fact, when he was younger he was a professional jockey. Only after breaking his neck in a horse race did he decide to go to veterinary school and eventually come to work for us.
I tried to relay this point to the body armor salesman after I was taken off of musical hold.

Yeah, I need to order some small body armor.
“Small? I’m gonna have to look into that. We almost never even make size medium. Hmm (shuffling paper sounds,) I guess we do have size small on the order form. Is this armor for a lady, ‘cause we have to charge extra for women’s’ armor. On account of their having breasts and all.”
Uh no, this is an order for a man. He just happens to be a smaller guy.
“Heck, if he’s that small he probably doesn’t even need a vest. I bet the bullets will just go right around him. Hehehe.”
Right, well can I just place an order?